Varric Tethras

AKA:
Beardless Dwarf
The Bow (of The Bow and the Brow™)
Lover of Biancas

What can I say about Varric Tethras? A surface dwarf born and raised in the city of Kirkwall, he rose to become one of the historic city’s, if not all of Thedas’, most prominent citizens and greatest heroes. Wielding his unique, mighty crossbow, Bianca, he saved Kirkwall as one of Hawke’s companions, and later saved the world as a member of the Inquisition. A master story-teller, prolific author, canny businessman, dashing rogue, ferocious fighter and even more ferocious friend, the list of his accomplishments is almost endless. First encountering the Champion of Kirkwall early in her adventures, Varric and his brother Bartrand hired Hawke to assist on an expedition to the Deep Roads. Whatever they were actually trying to find, they discovered two things: First, and completely on accident, red lyrium, including an idol made of the stuff that that bastard Bartrand stole for himself, leaving Hawke, his own brother Varric, and their other companions to die. Second, as they escaped that attempted imprisonment, a fortune in treasure that helped elevate the statuses of both Champion and dwarf, paving the way for their future success. Without Varric, it’s safe to say that Hawke may never have ascended to the lofty heights she would soon achieve. After they escaped the Deep Roads, Varric remained a steadfast companion to Hawke through the rest of her years in Kirkwall, but since he has already written eloquently on the subject himself, in his bestselling work The Tale of the Champion, available at any respectable book merchant, I’ll leave it at that. After fleeing Kirkwall with Hawke, Varric returned to his home city and was subsequently captured and interrogated by a Seeker of Truth named Cassandra. Yeah, that Cassandra. Despite her best efforts, she was unable to get Hawke’s location out of Varric, even lowering herself to attempt seduction. Or, maybe she was just legitimately smitten with the admittedly handsome dwarf, I mean, who could blame her?

Eventually, after various other adventures, Varric was found by Cassandra again and brought to the Conclave, fortunately a little late. When the Breach destroyed everything and started spewing out demons, he heroically volunteered to stay and help the beleaguered defenders, despite having no obligation to do so and every reason to get to safety. He soon met me, the future Inquisitor, and, as with Hawke, the bond between us was instantaneous and strong. It is not an understatement to say that Varric was one of, if not the, most influential forces on both Inquisitor and Inquisition. Always serving as an unerring moral compass, the advice and guidance he provided was invaluable in the Inquisition becoming the highly respected, world-saving organization it would eventually become. As for me, I cannot say enough about how Varric inspired me to be a measured, sympathetic leader to my people and not just a power-hungry tyrant. If you need further proof of Varric’s impact on me, just look at the nicknaming thing that I’ve adopted and perpetuated in this book, something clearly inspired by Varric’s own habit of giving witty names to his friends. He even inspired me to write this very book, despite the fact that it would provide him with direct competition, though in the end we, as two great friends, like to think of them as companion works. Varric was obviously going to pen his own version of all this, which I admit will be superior to my own, given his extensive and impressive history as an author. Tentatively titled All This Shit is Weird, that book should be released by the time you read this, or soon after. Even if you have already read this book, Varric’s will offer a fresh perspective on events, and contain juicy tidbits that the Inquisitor was too afraid to include. If you want to know the full details of his romantic exploits, for example, not just the safe, watered-down version, like the time in the wine cellar with the masks, feathers and magic sta

“Varric, what are you doing?
Oh, it’s fine, it’s just that normally nobody comes in here.
No, it’s not a problem, always happy to see you.
Yes, that’s it, it’s almost finished, I was just taking a break.
Yes, with Cassandra.
No, not in the wine cellar, why?
No, no, I wasn’t working, so it’s not really an interruption, so what did… Oh, okay, I’ll talk to you later, I suppose.
That was odd. Now, where was I? Near the end, I think, let’s see… Me, done, thankfully, Valta, done, Varric, done, ah, up to Vivienne. This should be fun.”