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  • Writer's pictureInquisitor Sam

A Glowy Sword for a Glowy Hand

Updated: Sep 24, 2023

After sitting in judgment, it was time to head back to the Exalted Plains, where it was inquisiting as usual. Demons to kill, rifts to seal, RaMOs to collect. One nice perk was that, for the first time since a while before my hand started glowing, I made contact with some of my people, the People. A Dalish clan was stuck in the area thanks to the war that had broken out all around them. Now, I don’t always see eye-to-eye with my fellow elves, and I’d always had a nagging feeling that I was out of place amongst them, even when I was with my own clan. I was born and raised in Clan Lavellan in the Free Marches. Like most Dalish, they were a pretty grim, serious group. So, from a young age, I made it my purpose in life to liven things up a bit. With magic. There were your standards, like lighting things on fire for entertainment. Then, there were… odder applications of power. For instance, I figured out how to change the color of a person’s hair on command. Had a lot of fun with that one. Still do, to be honest. But, apparently not everyone appreciated the jokes, because I was unceremoniously booted out, um, I mean, sent on an important, definitely not spying mission as soon as an opportunity presented itself. That’s how I ended up at the Conclave, and the rest is glowy-handed history. Despite all that, it was still nice to see some friendly, tattooed faces in the middle of an Orlesian war zone. They were relatively safe, but, naturally, had a few jobs for me. While I was fine with most of them, one was quite worrisome to me. Their supplies were starting to run low, not surprising since they had been stuck in the same place for a while. So, I helped out and gathered some of what they needed. The worries struck when they asked me to collect some Spindleweed for them. Spindleweed which was growing about 30 feet away, next to the very river they were camped on. Seriously, I could see it from the spot they made the request from, but somehow they were unable to locate or gather it. No wonder the humans took over. Anyways, after helping the Dalish, earning their trust, and even recruiting one of them into the Inquisition, I headed north to a fort where the bulk of the remaining Orlesian forces were holed up. These ones fought for the rebelling Grand Duke Gaspard instead of Celene, the reigning Empress, but I really didn’t care about their politics. Everyone in the area was fighting off an endless stream of demons and undead, a stream I could block off, so they were getting my help no matter whom they supported. They were under attack when I got there, because of course they were, so I did what I do best and burned every Fade-rejected monster to ash. With things more secure in the Plains, I decided to head back to Skyhold for a quick break and to take a major step forward in my inquisiting.

Who’s a good, giant, stone puppy? You are, yes you are!

Shortly after assuming control of Skyhold, several specially-trained mages had been summoned to teach me new ways to end my enemies. I was skeptical at first, because my talent for melting faces knew almost no bounds. However, my encounter with the dragon in the Hinterlands, during which I was mostly harmless, led me to think that having another way to inflict pain couldn’t hurt. Well, it couldn’t hurt me, the whole point was to hurt other things and in retrospect, I probably should have just picked another phrase. Oh, well, too late now, I've gone too far. So, I investigated what skills they had to offer. There was a Rift Mage, who wanted to teach me how to tap into the power that the Fade rifts provided, I guess. Since my goal was to end rifts altogether, I didn’t think this was a prudent long-term option. Then there was a Necromancer. I don’t care how he spun it, I don’t work with dead things, so that was a quick “nope.” That left the third and already most enticing option, a Knight-Enchanter. Flinging fire from afar is fun, but it gets less so when a few bad guys with swords or demons with nasty, big, pointy teeth are standing right next to you, swinging or biting away. If the name didn’t tip you off, the skills of a Knight-Enchanter allow a mage to go toe-to-toe with their foes. It sounded great to me, except for one detail. The necessary materials for the training could only be found in one place. One terrible, horrible, no good, very bad place.

This is actually me looking at Cory during the attack on Haven, but trust me, I had the same look, probably worse, on my face when I heard where I needed to go.

I’m really glad the Iron Bull wanted me to come meet his team before we went on this mission. I’m not usually much of a drinker, but I figured the easiest way to get me to go back to… That Place was to make it so I couldn’t resist. So, I gave orders to tie me up and put me in a wagon at dawn no matter what state I was in, had a good time with the Chargers, drank until I couldn’t find my own elbows, and woke up sometime the next afternoon on my way to… That godsdamned Place. Still a bloody thunderstorm there, in case you were wondering. It was awful, I killed the required wisps and collected their remains, and got back to Skyhold as soon as possible. And now I’m a Knight-Enchanter and have an amazing energy sword I can batter things with.

That Place doesn’t deserve another picture, so here’s one of a dead guy with a fish where his head is supposed to be. Because it’s funny, that’s why.

An elegant weapon for a more civilized Age.

In my earlier travels to the Exalted Plains, I had encountered an interesting-looking area with only one entrance that had been blocked by rubble. The rest of it was ringed by impassable rock formations. Well, while I was running my little errand to… That Place, I had my troops clear the path so I could look around. And what did I find? More swamp. Fortunately for my sanity, it was far more pleasant and interesting than the last one. There was a smattering of some big, lizard-like beasts called Gurguts that had to be cleared out, and another, even bigger, lizard-like beast called a dragon. Yup, we’d found another one and, seeing as how it attacked us on sight, decided it would be best to rid the area of it. This one was of the lightning-spewing variety, so I was far more useful against it than the flamey one we had fought back in the Hinterlands. It also didn’t summon any help, though it was fond of electrifying the water all around it. Not too difficult to avoid, really, but it did make us watch our step. After the beast had been slain, there wasn’t much left to do in the Plains. That we could reach, anyways. The remaining tasks were on the other side of a broken bridge spanning the river, so we had to wait to complete the Plains’ inquisiting until after it was repaired. As I am quite useless with a hammer, I left the troops to it and headed for a place where I could do some work that was more my style.

Maybe... That Place is constantly engulfed in a lightning storm because there’s a big one of these up in the clouds whose only source of amusement is spitting lightning at the puny, stupid ones who visit its miserable home.




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Copyright disclaimer under Section 107 of the Copyright Act of 1976:  All images, people, places, things, races and organizations are from Dragon Age: Inquisition and are © Electronic Arts, Inc. and BioWare.  Included here under Fair Use of copyrighted materials for the purpose of parody.  All rights and credit go to the material's rightful owners.  No copyright infringement intended.

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